Richard Basile

Do I not have the greatest wife? Ever?!

We were discussing what we each wanted for Christmas. In addition to the annual Snoopy and Tiki calendars, she only has interest in two gifts: a sewing machine or a table saw.

Her preference is for the table saw.

She totally rocks.

Totally.

Of course, what I’m sure she meant by table saw was you best get your skinny butt to a jewelry store and buy me some bling like you did when we were dating!

Maybe not. She would never say bling.

My bride and I recently made the trip from Columbus, Ohio to Canton, Michigan for the singular but significant purpose of shopping at Ikea. Specifically, we (she) were (was) shopping for new dressers for the master bedroom.

We did not travel 196 miles only to buy storage for our underwear. Absolutely not! We dedicated an entire Saturday to a pilgrimage of epic lengths, to the promised land of Scandinavian home fashion. We were hypnotized by the hope of some assembly required.

It was an excuse to leave Columbus for a day and avoid mowing the lawn.

When we married in the spring of oh-six, the greatest challenge before us was to arrange the existing closet space and dresser drawers. We failed this challenge. Dr. Phil, can you help us?

Two nights back, the bride and I watched a show on HGTV called Small Space Big Style. A young couple managed to fit their entire wardrobe into a single hallway coat closet.

We are not that couple.

We have two standard closets in the master bedroom. His and her closets - yes, clever. Before marriage, they were hers and her closets. In what is now her closet are three cabinets for additional storage. I’m not clear on what she keeps in these cabinets. In my closet is the laundry basket. We keep dirty laundry in the laundry basket. Prior to our Ikea excursion, we also had a single dresser in our bedroom, plus a closet and a chest of drawers in the guest bedroom.

We purchased three units that day and moved the existing dresser into the guest bedroom. For those keeping score, that is now one closet, one chest of drawers, and one dresser in the guest bedroom. The new units in the master bedroom roughly double the amount of storage by which we were previously limited.

My bride generously and graciously allowed me a full third of the new storage. I’m so giddy.

In the guest bedroom, I presently keep a pair of swim wear (Speedos) and all of the shorts which I am unable to wear in the winter. All of these items will neatly fit into half a drawer. Pick a drawer. Any drawer. For fairness, I should point out that one or two drawers are further occupied by extra blankets. This leaves half a chest of drawers, a closet, and an entire dresser in the guest bedroom for overflow storage of women’s clothing.

Excuse me. I’m going shoe shopping.