“How did you meet this girl?”
“I split the difference.”
“You split the difference?”
“I split the difference, Steve.”
“What do you mean you split the difference?”
“Remember when we had pizza at Papa Tony’s? I liked the waitress, but you thought the food was horrible.”
“Yes. Are we talking about food now, or did you shag the waitress?”
“I’m talking about the tip.”
“Oh, good. That clears up everything, Jeff.”
“I wanted to tip the waitress ten stones, and you thought that was absurd.”
“Then we tipped the waitress five. What does this have to do with your date?”
“Don’t you see, Steve? You and I split the difference on what to tip the waitress.”
“Nope. I still don’t follow you, Jeff.”
“When your sister set me up with Stephanie, there was no way I could just phone her up without a test run.”
“A test run?”
“Right! A test run!”
“What’s a test run, Jeff?”
“I needed to give a go on a complete stranger, somebody who didn’t know me, couldn’t know me, and would never know it was me who called.”
“Oh. No. What did you do?”
“I split the difference. Stephanie’s number was 555-4280. I dialed 555-2140.”
“You dialed a complete stranger? Absurd! What if you had dialed a bloke?”
“Don’t be a fool, Steve. I only date women.”
“Right. My mistake. Who answered the phone?”
“Julie.”
“What happened when you talked to Julie?”
“She put Mary on the phone.”
“Why did she put Mary on the phone?”
“It was brilliant, Steve. Mary had gone out to Patrick J’s Saturday night. Julie just assumed that I was some guy that Mary must have met that night.”
“Brilliant is not the word that comes to mind.”
“What do you mean?”
“Never mind, Jeff. Please go on with your story. I’m on the very edge of my seat.”
“OK. Well. Mary gets on the phone. I say, ‘Hi, this is Jeff.’ Why are you laughing, Steve?”
“Oh, I was just remembering a girl I went out with last Spring. Her name was Mary.”
“Wow! That is a coincidence.”
“She was nuts. A total fruitcake.”
“What’s wrong, Steve? Why are your eyes getting so big?”
“Do you mean to tell me that the girl you have fallen in love with is a complete stranger you dialed at random on the telephone?”
“Yes.”
“That she’s in love with you?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve been dating for three months?”
“Yes! What of it?!”
“You’re a fruitcake, Jeff! My ex-girlfriend is a fruitcake! Two fruitcakes passing in the night! You’re dating my ex!”
“Oh. Is that a problem?”
March 2, 2008 at 7:52 am
Nice job! See, you can do it. I’m not sure why their Brits, but other than that, you did good. And what’s really impressive is no dialogue attributions, but still clear who’s talking all the way through. Funny, too!
March 27, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Hah, good story. I kept waiting to figure out what was going on.